Thursday, July 28, 2005

Liz's Weight Loss Tips

Being well-lubricated as I am, having been plied with coconut rum by some neighbors who shall remain nameless, I am now ready to share my tips regarding my gigantic weight loss. Having now lost the rough equivalent of a chihuahua (11 lbs and counting), it seems only fair that I share my insights with others around me.

  1. Do not diet. Diets are evil and wrong. Think about it, people. What happens when you're on a diet? You think about food night and day. You obsess. Food becomes even more important than it was when you were fat and happy. How can this be healthy? If you want to lose weight, you must think about food less, not more. To do this, you must be full of food.
  2. Always eat until you are full. Not full like wanting to throw up, as though you are a toga-wearing frat boy. But full like "Oh, wow. My stomach is comfortably filled with food and I'm not suffering from acid reflux. This must be what being full is like".
  3. Pay attention to the food you are eating. It is your friend, after all. It's keeping you company on hot summer nights when the reruns rerun. It's placating you during messy arguments with your spouse. It's far more trustworthy than your boss. So give it the same respect you give them. Look it right between the eyes when you eat it. Consider tasting it as it floats down your gullet. Who knows? You might enjoy it.
  4. Eat one piece at a time. Mostly because I can't stand watching you cram food into your mouth. It's unsightly to see your cheeks bulge and your food seep through that gap between your front teeth. But partly because it's a long way from your stomach to your brain. And, particularly if your brain is a bit sluggish--and whose isn't by the end of July?--you need a bit of time for the STOP EATING OR YOU'LL TURN INTO A TOGA-WEARING FRAT BOY message to get through.
  5. Exercise. Think you're going to lose weight with a couple of walks around the block? Think again, hon. All you're going to lose are your littlest children, if you walk fast enough. While that might be sanity-saving, it is not a weightloss strategy. To lose weight, you must sweat.
  6. Sweat. I repeat: You must sweat. A lot. Do you think Oprah lost all of her weight by glowing for 20 minutes 3 times a week? Think Brad Pitt got cut by lifting cute little five pounds weights he found in Target? Think again. I'm working out 5 times a week, 30 minutes a day, and I'm losing 3 (three) frigging pounds a MONTH. Let me be clear. I am sweating like a pig, out there on my little roller skis. My heart rate is 150ish. And I'm losing 3 (three) frigging pounds a MONTH. So don't bother trying to lose weight if you're not going to sweat. Might as well pull up a chair to the frig and dig in, because the fat is not going to come off. Fine with me. Hey. No skin off my nose. I was fat and happy for years, until my cholesterol count went way above 200 . . . .
  7. Lose the fat and happy pills. Having been a Zoloft girl for many years, I knew my fat and happy pills, the ones that kept me from obsessing about every possible anxiety-producing event that could happen to anyone I know, were also keeping me from losing weight. There's a reason they call them fat and happy pills, you know. So, now I'm taking Slightly Thinner and Only Moderately Anxious Pills. Lexapro enables me to release my fat. True, I am just a touch more anxious. A tad. A bit. Perhaps I obsess more over details. Maybe, particularly around my period, I lose sleep worrying about what my neighbors think. About everything I've done since we bought this house 13 years ago. But what's moderate anxiety once a month compared to the loss of a chihuahua? I may need to ponder this point a bit more.
  8. Hypnosis. Go see a hypnotist. It's a blast. Mine was great. Hypnosis was incredibly relaxing--like a massage with no one touching you. Which, if it's around your period and you're feeling incredibly anxious is a really good thing. And it's pricey. Which is good. Because what better motivation for really getting serious about losing weight than the investment of a couple hundred bucks in a therapy that's a bit unusual so you want it to work so you don't look like a total idiot for trying it?

I hope you all find these weight loss tips as useful as I have. Clearly, they've been working miracles for me. Just ask my chihuahua.

Until tomorrow,


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