Sunday, February 21, 2010

National Condom Week!

Today is the last day of National Condom Week. Let's celebrate, shall we? A new study indicates that poor fit may explain why men refuse to wear condoms? Oh, please. The researchers note that "Men and their female sex partners may benefit from public health efforts designed to promote the improved fit of condoms." Ooo. Sounds serious.

The article goes on to discuss the very real concerns of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases being transmitted by guys suffering from such "poor fit."

Maybe the problem is in the male head. So to speak. It appears that it's not so much that condoms don't fit men, it's that men won't buy condoms that actually fit. They won't buy small condoms, for instance. Apparently, they would rather put their partners at risk for STDs and pregnancies rather than admit to a smaller member.

In fact, my own in-depth research indicates that condom makers don't even produce small or medium condoms. This afternoon's grocery expedition (had to lay in supplies before the HUGE WINTER STORM arrives, trapping us without bananas, chocolate or the latest People Magazine) included a 6 minute visit to the condom aisle.

Being ancient and venerable, I felt that it was possible for me to conduct such extensive research, lingering in that aisle for a while without fear of embarrassment. Unless, of course, my children read my blog, in which case they will be embarrassed.
Perhaps I'll give them a prophylactic warning to save them such grief.

The result of this research? The only available sizes were large, extra large and humongous.

OK. I'm lying about the humongous ones. But my lie is perhaps closer to reality than the inflationary rate of untruths that abound regarding the size of male members and their accoutrements. What is it about this appendage that inspires so much self-aggrandizement? What would be so horrible about buying a medium-sized condom? Could that possibly be worse than gonorrhea?

Inquiring minds want to know. Don't protect me from the knowledge, as my
knowledge of condoms is shockingly limited. Personal intimate experience with them goes no further than seeing them pulled with a flourish from the occasional boyfriend's wallet in a weak attempt to persuade me that I could emerge baby-free from a quick roll in the hay by using a dried-out rubber that had bounced around in a guy's pocket since he was 13.

Again, I say: oh, please. This sales pitch is much better. The Center for Biological Diversity gave away condoms on Valentine's Day, saying it was promoting condom use to curtail explosive human population growth, which threatens other species world-wide.

Covering further related items, I won't shield you from the news that New York is running a condom wrapper design contest. Nor will I protect you from the knowledge that Vancouver has distributed 100,000 condoms at its Olympic Village, thus providing approximately 14 condoms for each athlete, coach, and official.

You are now safe from further tortuous attempts at wordplay: today's blog is finished. :-)


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