I break my long blogging silence to speak with you about work bathroom etiquette. 

As a public service, I am going to share with y'all what I have learned in the past almost two years that I've been employed by a county. These are rules that I've observed others following, as well as rules that I am making up for you all. Rules to live by. Important rules that all who use public bathroom facilities should abide by. Or ignore at their peril. 

Warning. Graphic potty humor approaching. Get on board or get out of my blog. 

Rule #1. Poop in the end stalls.
And it's corollary: do NOT poop in the middle stall. Please, people. Please. If there are three stalls, have mercy on us co-workers. Provide as much separation as possible between the poop-er and the non-poop-er. Do I need to explain this further? 

Rule #2. Make no noise. 
When using a facility with several shared stalls, it is always important to make no noises related to the use of said stalls. No tinkling. No non-tinkling. Particularly if you are female. Apparently there is something about adjusting the angle of your sit that allows you to make no noise while peeing. Please sit accordingly so that no one need hear your bodily functions functioning. 

Rule #3. Double Flush.
It is very clearly stated in my county employee handbook. "All employees who defecate on county property must immediately double flush after the first wipe."  There is an exponential odor increase that occurs the longer you wait. I do not know the precise mathematical properties involved. I was told there would be no math in the world of law. But it just makes sense, doesn't it? Don't be afraid to triple flush. I double dog dare you. 

Rule #4 Wash Your Hands.
Because here's the deal. Those hands you aren't washing? Or are pretending to wash by turning on the water and running it for three seconds because you think I am too stupid to figure out your simplistic ploy? Those hands are touching the same elevators buttons my hands touch. The copying machine I use. The mediation table on which I place my pen. That I chew on. WASH. YOUR. HANDS. 

Rule #5 Avoid cute bathroom signs.
Seriously, people. We are adults, right? Do we really need coy reminders like "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat, and wipe the seat"? Do men have these dopey signs in their bathrooms? (I just googled. They do. Darker humor in the gents.)

Rule #6 Wipe the Seat
If, God forbid, you DO sprinkle when you tinkle, you damn well better be neat and wipe the seat. And do not assume that it is someone else that I am talking about. This means you. Check. And wipe accordingly. Because I am not your mother. I don't even clean up after my own kids. 

Rule #7 Designated Defecation Departments
I have been told that other workplaces quietly designate certain facilities as primary defecation sites. Talk amongst yourselves. 

Rule #8 Cell-Free Zone
OK. I'm actually ok with briefly chatting with your sister in-person tinklers. If you know them. No random conversations with total strangers, though. 

But, for the love of God, get off of the phone. Your endless chatter is destroying my concentration. And what if your phone falls in? And do your conversational partners really need to hear your bodily functions functioning? I think not. Work restrooms are meant to function as bastions of peace and quiet, a place of respite from my work day cares. Stop talking. 

You are welcome. Feel free to share these eight helpful rules with your work husbands and wives. Do not post these rules in a bathroom stall, however. That would violate Rule #5.