Anger

Sitting in church today, thinking about anger. Our pastor was preaching about war and Memorial Day and lost lives and those left behind. And I was feeling angry. But it passed.

I don't stay angry for long these days.

Not that I'm not angry and pissed off as all hell about the war. This war. The ridiculous loss of life on both sides. Bush. You name it, I'm mad about it. But anger doesn't stick to me like it used to. 10 years ago, 20 years ago, Angry was my middle. My first, even. Because there are so many things to be angry about in the world. Little and big. Things that happen to me (like people interrupting my workout ;-) ) and things that happen to folks I don't even know.

Honestly, though? I just can't work up a lather for long now. I get mad. I look at it. I see, "Wow, I'm really pissed off about the price of rice in China." Then it dissipates, like steam moving through cool air. When did I become cool air? When did anger become so much less meaningful for me? Anger used to seem like such a powerful emotion. And now it seems weak, ineffectual.

I want more than emotion. I want more than intellectual carnage happening in my head. I want more than a release. I want to do something. To matter. To make a difference. Anger seems wasteful. Seems like energy that could be better spent elsewhere. Anger is the gasoline in a Hummer that could be used to fuel three hybrid compacts. Anger is a distraction that keeps me focused inward, thinking, rather than outward, doing.

My son, 17, thinks I can't make a difference. He is convinced that our nation is going to hell in a handbasket. He thinks I'm headed to Guantanamo Bay if I become an activist. I hate that he's so paranoid. I hate that he's afraid. I hate that some infinitesimal part of me worries he's right; the nation is beyond redemption.

He's not right. I know he's not. This country is nothing if not a pendulum. We will swing left, just as surely as we've swung right. We are a reactive crowd, all too easily swayed. Short temper, short memory. The Republicans will get their day. And we Democrats will get ours. And I'm going to channel my brief bursts of anger into making sure that happens. Sooner, rather than later!

Until tomorrow,
Liz