Government should step in where food critics fear to tread

In life, there are sometimes those seminal moments. Wait. As a feminist, shouldn't I be referring to influential, original, creative moments as "egginal" rather than seminal?

Oh, how soon I digress. So, there are these moments that define us. As a person, a nation, a people. And one of those moments was posed before me, before the people of Chicago, this very morning. 

Ladies and gents, I bring you the Bacon and Bourbon Cocktail. It was touted in the Sun Times today as a "cool" cocktail. But it gets worse. It is not mere bacon and bourbon. Oh no. That would be sufficiently revolting, all on its own, though I can respect its possibilities. 

No, it's a cocktail that requires you to ruin a perfectly good glass (snifter? stein? plastic red cup? I'm not up on my cocktail ware) of Maker's Mark bourbon with both bacon and chocolate.

Now, my friends, I am aware--and even somewhat sanguine--about the propensity of today's society to push boundaries in the food flavor mashup department. And I wholeheartedly embrace the sweet and salt mix that might be inherent in chocolate and bacon as one. 

But bourbon, bacon and chocolate as a beverage is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Boundaries, people. As a culture, we need to get to work on boundaries. There are some things that just should not be joined. 

Y'all know I'm a rabid liberal with a capital D. And so I embrace joining all sorts of things--and people--that others aren't so excited about. But bourbon, bacon and chocolate should not be one of those things. 

Bacon and chocolate? I could see the possibilities there, dipping a crispy slice of bacon into warm chocolate, letting it cool slightly, then devouring. Bourbon and bacon? OK. Maybe. Little crunchy bits as flavoring. Even bourbon and chocolate could exist in my mind as a possibility, though a bad possibility. 

This new propensity to mix chocolate with alcohol is not healthy. Chocolate wine. Chocolatinis. I believe in segregated vices. It prolongs them. If you throw your chocolate in your drink, you've shortened the time of bliss. Eat your chocolate, THEN drink your drink. Twice as much fun!

Again, I digress. I am willing to hold all of the other above combos in my mind. But never the twain (or would that be "thwain" for three?) shall meet. Bourbon, bacon and chocolate is just plain wrong. 

But, Liz, you may be saying. This is clearly just a personal preference. You surely respect the right of others to assert their own individuality by choosing their own flavor mashups, however abhorrent to you.

No. No, I don't. As a Democrat, I believe strongly in the need for excessive regulation. I feel certain that President Barack Obama agrees with me, and will immediately understand the need for a Cabinet position for the regulation and prohibition of flavor mashups. 

Come on, people. You KNOW there are other flavor mixtures that you believe should be legally abolished. My friend, T, believes that the mixture of chocolate and fruit is an abomination, to be avoided at all costs. I am certain that she would be supportive of legislation to ban this. 

And what about some of those Jelly Belly flavors? It absolutely should be illegal, a punishable offense, for me to dive into a bowl of jelly beans and come up with a Buttered Popcorn among the Berry Blue, Green Apple and Tutti Fruitti. 

Come January 20th, 2013, you KNOW what political hot potato I'm going to be pushing. Join me, friends. Join me today by rejecting that which is evil. Order a nice glass of chardonnay. Or a gimlet. Resist the Bacon and Bourbon cocktail! TGIF!